Blog, Whimsy

20 Things Every 20-Something Needs To Realize In 2015

  1. Chivalry is only dead if you let it die. The medieval code of conduct developed in the 1100s is the epitome of social order, and we must strive to never evolve or change in any way. Also, you should probably go get a horse.

  1. You shouldn’t date only for the sake of dating. Doing something fun in order to meet new people and broaden your horizons is vapid and insipid. Dating should be no less than the perfect expression of that agonizing sense of yearning and loneliness arising from the very the depth of your soul. There is nothing casual or fun about your desperate expectation that the existential dread you wake up to every morning can be quenched by the constant companionship of another sack of meat.
  2. It’s impossible to fail if you refuse to give up. The universe owes you success if you can only manage to out-stubborn it. There will never be circumstances or laws of physics or personal limitations or social limitations that stand in your way if you try hard enough to pretend they don’t exist. Keep jumping off that roof, one day you’ll fly under the power of your flapping arms.
  3. If your life is easy, then you’re not trying hard enough. Do not ever pause to enjoy the fruits of your own labour; ease and comfort is for the weak. If you ever find that life is not throwing you enough curveballs, you must immediately go out and make it more difficult for yourself. Having a good day at work? Yell at your boss! Settling into a comfortable groove with your partner? Cheat on them! You can’t fail if you refuse to give up!
  4. “The One” exists, but there’s more than just one of them out there. I also have a terrible grasp on the concept of arithmetic.
  5. If you keep sending nude pics, there will be no reason to want to see you naked in person. Two-dimensional representations of your naked physicality are so powerful that they actually sap away at the energy of your body until they render void the satanic magic of your soul. Your attractiveness is a finite resource that must be hoarded jealously like a dragon hoards gold.
  6. If people aren’t adding to your life, they’re taking away from your life. Everybody you meet thinks only of how they affect your life. There is no such thing as a transient or transactional relationship with another human. Neutrality is not physically possible. If someone is not with you, they’re against you. And they probably want your horse.
  7. There are always opportunity costs; you can’t have it all. Unless you refuse to give up. Then you actually can have it all. Sorry, I lied.
  8. Intelligence can be bought. Grinding away at quests and studying scrolls to boost your intelligence level isn’t worth your time. Although I would take a look at your stat-sheet first. It might be more worth your money to spend your hard-won gold on dexterity, or maybe increase your max HP. A balanced party is a successful party.
  9. America is no longer the greatest country in the world. It is important that every single 20-something in the world realizes this, because everyone in the world, especially those of you that live outside the US, must structure their life philosophy around the imagined dominance of a country that has only existed for the past 240 years. This is not at all narcissistic or indicative of the same kind of arrogance that first led to this misconception to begin with.
  10. Humans aren’t any better than animals. We’re just smarter. So make sure those damn animals don’t get their hands on any gold; otherwise they’ll buy a bunch of intelligence and overthrow the human race.
  11. Sex can be a beautiful thing, but it won’t be beautiful on its own. You probably need to add more glitter. Everything needs more glitter.
  12. Most of the foods we eat shouldn’t be labeled as “food”. Who labels things “food”, anyway? I hate coming home with boxes and cans that just say “food” on them, and then realizing I accidentally bought garbanzo beans again when I already had four cans of those in the cupboard.
  13. Don’t work jobs you hate — just don’t do it. You can survive on the nectar of the Milky Way and the energy of stardust and live in the warm embrace of Mother Gaia. In fact, don’t work at all. You are a child of the universe.
  14. When making a decision, only the outcome matters. There is no such thing as unintended consequences or collateral damage. So go ahead, knock over that little old man crossing the street – you need to get the new GTA game.
  15. If you want it bad enough, you’ll get it. Life is a perfect meritocracy conforming to the tenets set out in The Secret. Keep wanting that thing. I’m sure it’ll descend upon you in an angelic chorus.
  16. If you feel the need to brag, you probably don’t have anything worth bragging about. Do not take pride in your accomplishments or share your successes with your loved ones. Swallow that pride. Bite your tongue. Eat your heart out. More consumption metaphors.
  17. Romantic love is intense and exciting, while true love is much less turbulent and much deeper. No love you feel for a romantic partner can be true or deep. Stop lying to each other and yourself.
  18. If you know you’re not going to finish it, don’t start it in the first place. If your waiter brings you a large plate of food and you know you can’t eat it all, you should go hungry. You don’t deserve that food.
  19. Simplicity is the key…to just about everything. That’s why I prefer pseudo-wise platitudinal listicles to actual introspection.

(I am mean.)

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